Becoming a Man

           Just the other day my roommate, Persephone, said something to which I took a great deal of personal offense.  Typically, I don’t get upset by the things she says about me, as she is quite a kidder.  However, I think she must have experienced a great deal of trauma as a child, because her humor has an overly caustic quality about it, at times.  The reason this little joke of hers caught my ear is that I suddenly realized that I had heard her repeat this same "joke" on numerous occasions. 

There was the appearance of “the joke” at the mall the other day.  Persephone and I had taken her two kids to the mall to play in the Kid Zone.  I was innocently ordering an unruly child to walk the plank, on the big cushiony boat in the kids’ play area, when I heard it.

“I should have only brought two.  Three children are too many for me to handle,” Persephone was saying to a red-faced mom, who sat next to her on the couch area.

As I turned around to point out to Persephone that she had only brought two (she has a little problem with math), I caught her gesturing toward me with her thumb.  As she noticed me eyeing her, she quickly dropped her hand and smiled at me innocently.  I felt like gesturing with something other than my thumb and smiling innocently right back at her.

“Oops, did I lose count again, Ken.”  She said as the other woman barked out a laugh.  It was very unladylike.  It was at this point that I started to realize the problem might be with attitude more than arithmetic, and I decided I would pay a little more attention to Persephone’s comments from that point on.

In that one visit to the mall, the joke cropped up thirteen times.  For criminy’s sake woman, get some new material for your act.  Over the next week, I noticed that her joke had infiltrated every arena of my life.  At the gun range, even the range master seemed to have been infected.

“Hey, hey, Ken.  It’s nice to see you back, Young Fella’.  I guess you did all of your chores around the house, so you got your allowance this week, huh?”

 “Ya, ha, ha.  Give me some shells.” Like I do any chores. 

The infection seems to have spread to my workplace, as well.  Last Wednesday, when I returned to my classroom after recess, one of my students informed me that I had had a call from the office.

“Mr. Goree, the office called and said to pick up your brother and sister; Stephen and Carly from daycare.  What grades are your brother and sister in, anyway?”  I don’t have any young siblings, but I do have two children who answer to those names.

“Never mind.  I think it’s silent reading time?” I said.

After a week of this abuse, I suddenly realized (I’m that smart. I suddenly realize a lot of things) that I should do a bit if deep thinking and contemplation on the topic of my maturity.  Am I a boy, or am I a man?  I thought the answer was obvious, but apparently it isn’t for many of the people in my life.

Being a man of science, I decided to sort through the evidence.  As a beginning point I decided I needed a clear definition of “manhood” to go by.  I tried the online definition, and didn’t like the “humorous” definition of the noun.  I certainly am not something that gets caught in a zipper.

 Webster’s Dictionary was a little too easy, but it had the definition I was going to use: A fully-grown male.

“Ha!” I said pointing to the dictionary that I held toward Persephone.

“To the letter of the law, yes.  In spirit, I don’t think so.  When did you become a man anyway?”

“You don’t really want me to go into that, do you?”

“No really, when did you get to say, ‘Now, I’m a Man.’ When was the point where you really knew your childhood was gone and you were man?”

“Um, I’ll get back to you on that.”  That was tougher.  I didn’t think the dictionary was going to help me answer that.

I climbed into cyberspace and started to look for information on becoming a man.  I found out immediately that I needed to be careful of what I asked for on the internet or I would get a whole lot of information that I couldn’t use in this story.  After a few hours of university articles, encyclopedia articles, and opinion pages, I started to see a pattern forming.  Becoming a man seems to rest on “rites of passage.” 

I want to say now, for the record, my information is from the internet and has not been checked for factuality.  I, personally, am okay with that as I find that they (facts) often get in the way of a good story anyway.  In the research I performed, it was mentioned that usually a period of isolation, often accompanied by fasting, was the first step in the initiation into manhood.  Isolation!  You mean by myself, with nobody else around?  Hot diggity dog! I can do that.  Please let me do that for a while.  A long while.  And you will notice it said often accompanied by fasting; not always; often.  Some Native American tribes go through what is called a Vision Quest; part of which is this period of isolation and fasting.

Then there was the mention of a period of trial.  This consisted of either physical or mental hardship.  In several regions of the world a circumcision is done at the time of becoming a man.  Yowch!  It seems to me that this would be best done to a baby who won’t remember it, and who can’t punch you in the nose if you try.

In another area of the world, initiates into the ranks of men have horizontal cuts gashed across their foreheads.  These leave permanent scars, extend from ear to ear, and go as deep as the bone.  Of course, I do like to play the “My scar’s bigger than your scar” game, but I prefer to get my scars the old fashion way; accidentally through stupidity and negligence.

Then there is the modern version of the trial period.  That’s right, the armed forces boot camps.  In this setting, the recruit is physically and emotionally broken down.  He is then built up to be a man who can defend a nation.

Some regions of the world support the theory that a boy is not a man until he makes his first kill in a hunt.  This symbolizes his being one with the world, and his ability to provide for his family and community.  Until this test has been passed, he may not be permitted to marry.  This seems to me, a really good argument for why men shouldn’t hunt.

I believe that expeditions and adventures fit into this category.  Luckily, I just so happen to have had my share of adventures and expeditions (A&E).  I covered both A and E on a road trip to my cousin’s place in Colorado one summer.
            Then there is phase three of becoming a man; the taking on of adult responsibilities.  At the age of thirteen, a Jewish boy becomes a man and then becomes part of the religious community and prayer.  He is at that point accountable for his actions, and is made aware of his responsibilities.

Some of the times, stages, and situations that I have been through seemed like they were stepping stones toward manhood.  Each of these steps, now that I look back, wasn’t the passage.  There was my first successful hunt.  My first girlfriend, was another step.  Then there was my first job; the driver’s license; being able to vote; graduating from high school; being able to drink legally; graduating from college; getting married; and having kids.  I don’t think any of these moments was my passage.  There was no line I stepped over and, poof!  “Hey look Ken’s a man!”  It just didn’t happen that way.

            One of the articles that I read fascinated me, and I now realize that it explains me pretty well.  The article states that, often without a threshold event, or ceremony, men may carry their adolescence into adulthood.  This is reflected in their behaviors, which other people interpret as irresponsibility.  Here is the best part; this is called “extended-adolescence.”  Is that cool or what?

            I am going to keep this to myself though.  Otherwise, someone might try to give me a “threshold event,” and I would have to start acting responsibly.  I might even stop playing on the climbing toys at the mall. 

            I am glad to have found a reason to be able to blame my extended adolescence on my parents; they didn’t give me a party when I was thirteen.  Do you think 48 is really too late for a bar mitzvah? Skip the bris.  I am especially happy to know what causes the particular condition of “extended-adolescence,” because I want to make sure my son has these threshold events.  After all, when I get old and gray, (older and grayer), I’m going to need someone responsible around to take care of me; and get me to the mall to play on the big boat climbing toy.

            “Argh! Swab the deck ya land-lubber.”

The Goree Intellect Averaging Principle

            In the following investigation of several case studies I clarify certain events that will enable the reader to understand a particular truth from the sciences of psychology and sociology, and endocrinology.  Each of the following case studies have been changed so as to not name any specific individual, describe recognizable physical characteristics as to make individuals readily recognizable within a group of his or her peers, or to remain completely faithful to the specific details of each case.

At the conclusion of this article, a main, indisputable truth will be outlined (The Goree Intellect Averaging Principle).  The aggregation of the data in these studies will render reader, layman or doctoral philosopher powerless to find fault, or alternate theoretical ground.

Case 1:

A call is taken to a triage nurse at County General Hospital, as relayed by 911 being dialed on a cell phone.   Hospital operators kept an open line of communication while an aid unit was in route, and the conversation was recorded.  Screams could be heard in the background.  The male on the phone seemed distracted and at times unintelligible.

Operator: “An aid unit is on its way.  Could you explain the nature of the injury, Sir?”

Hysterical Friend:  “Like, I thought he was going to blow up, Dude.”

Operator:  “I am a ma'am, Sir.  Not a Dude.  Could you more fully explain the nature of the injury, Sir?”

Hysterical Friend:  “Yeah.  Like, it’s chili night, you know, and me and Jim, and Bill, and Rickster, and Rondo were piggin’ on some major beanage, ya know?  Then we were laid back polishin’ of a few brews when Rickster says ‘Gimme your lighter, Dude.” So like, I give him my lighter.  The next thing I know he bends over, blows some stink, and as this flame lights up the apartment he yells ‘eight-point-four on the Rickster scale Man.’ 

Operator:  “Is Rickster your injured friend, Sir?”

Hysterical Friend:  “No, no.  That’s Rondo.  He gets all jealous cuz Rickter looks so cool.  We all yell, ‘No, don’t do it, Man.  You’re too hairy.’ And he really is hairy; like sasquatch hairy.  Do you think he listens to us?  Not even.  He blows and sparks up.  And just as the flame starts up he hiccups.  Oh man, you never saw a pair of buns get toasty so fast.  Old Rondo dropped to floor before we knew what was happening and he started scooting along like a poodle on speed.  I don’t think the real fire got him any, but he has rug burns all over his butt from doin’ the poodle scoot.”

Operator:  “Do I understand correctly, Sir, that there are five males together without female supervision?”

Hysterical Friend:  “Uh, Yeah.”

Operator: “I see, Sir.  I believe I understand the nature of your problem.  An aid worker will be there momentarily to administer salve to your friend.  This worker will also administer estrogen shots to you and the rest of your friends, Sir.”

Hysterical Friend:  “Will it give us a buzz?”

Operator:  “I’m sure it will help to eliminate many of the problems with brain function that you are now experiencing, Sir.”

Hysterical Friend:  “Cool.”

Operator:  “Sir, I have a call that the Aid unit has pulled up in front of an apartment that has your address.  They want to verify that your apartment has a sign on the front door that says ‘No Fat Chicks.’  Is that your residence, Sir?”

Hysterical Friend:  “Ya.”

Operator:  “When the paramedic comes in, Sir.  Tell him that Marge said you are eligible for a double dose.  Hopefully that will help, Sir.”

Hysterical Friend:  “Righteous.”

Case 2:

Four young boys are hospitalized with symptoms of shock and hearing damage after they throw a cup of homemade nitroglycerin off a farmer’s barn roof. 

“I figured it couldn’t be all that bad since the recipe was in the encyclopedia,” said one boy. 

“I never knew what a mushroom cloud was before.” Said a second boy.

“What did you say?” Said a third boy.

The other boys failed to respond to any of this interviewer’s questions; or to even realize the interviewer was speaking.

After being asked what reason the boys could have had for perpetrating such a dangerous act, the first boy responded, “Well, my dad said I could have an Xbox, when pigs fly.  I guess I took care of that, didn’t I?”

Case 3:

From an article in the Appalachian Tribune Herald Gazette; The bodies of four unidentified youths were brought into county general hospital today.  The dead boys were fishing on Jacobsen pond at daybreak, during this morning’s heavy wind.  The cause of death appears to be shock and physical trauma sustained when an unexpected shift in the wind blew their fishing gear (dynamite) back into their twelve foot aluminum skiff.  Closed casket services will be held for the young men Sunday afternoon at the conclusion of the University of Minnesota vs Puerto Rico State curling match.  Time to be adjusted for commercial breaks.

            If the reader has noticed, there are certain similarities between the three cases.  First, all participants were male.  Second, there were multiple males together in a group.  And third, though not absolutely critical to the foundations of the following theory, all of the males appear to be under the age of twenty-five. 

The details of these cases, as well as my own experiences as a young male, a teenage male, a male in my twenties, a male in my thirties, a male currently in my forties, and a teacher of males in the sixth grade, as well as a general observer of the absurd, have led to the formulation of:  

The Goree Intellect Averaging Principle. 

In order to quantify this theory, the first given that must be accepted by the reader is that the average human intelligence is an IQ (intelligence quotient) of 100.  The principle states that:

            Males, when left unattended, must divide the average IQ of 100 between all males present. 

Therefore, if four males are in attendance they must divide the total average IQ by four.  This leaves each with an IQ of 25; only one IQ point higher than is necessary to continue the bodily function of breathing.

Following with this principle, if Einstein and three of his peers were left unsupervised, they would likely end up being the subjects in case study 1.